It has been 5 years and while it's getting better, I still regret every single day. I never wanted one since I believe I'm unsuitable to be a parent, yet everyone around me assured me it would be ok. It wasn't. I don't spend more than 10 consecutive minutes of quality time with my wife each day and I have lost all desire to do anything. That doesn't really matter though, because I can't do anything. I feel like my ability to execute has been reduced so much. My kid isn't even bad. I think they are quite good. I am the problem. This makes me feel even worse because my kid loves me and I can't return it.
Sorry to hear this. I urge you to seek some kind of help and support for this, because what you’re describing rings of depression, whatever the root cause (even if it feels obvious).
Really sorry you're going through this. I hope you're finding a few bright moments here and there. 5 was still a difficult, draining age in our house, but it gets easier. You'll find your kid playing more independently soon, maybe even just wanting to do their thing while you do yours, and that'll be a relief. It took me a long time to accept that life is different now, and to not obsess over the differences. Once I did, I suddenly found myself motivated to pick up old hobbies and felt more of a connection to my kiddo. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.
>I believe I'm unsuitable to be a parent, yet everyone around me assured me it would be ok
They might just have said that not to sound alarming, and to close the subject.
You know yourself infinitely better than anyone else does, so if you have even the slightest doubt, you should never rely on others to decide what's best for you.
Be especially wary of people close to you, as proximity increases the belief of knowledge much more easily than actual knowledge.
Reminds me of a Philip Roth quote: "The fact remains that getting people right is not what living is all about anyway. It's getting them wrong that is living, getting them wrong and wrong and wrong and then, on careful reconsideration, getting them wrong again."
Sorry to hear you're going through that. It does sound like having someone to open up and talk to, even someone you pay (i.e. A therapist), could help. This is especially true if many crucial things around you sound to be positive.
All the best and don't forget that it can get better!
By no means an I an expert, but in my experience, engaging with your family and learning to open up to them (even about your feelings of inadequacy) results in a much richer relationship. It’s like listening to a sad song when you’re sad. You may find that they are yearning to be closer to you, even if you don’t think you’re what they need.
I have two kids and while I was never depressed, I can see how it can happen. You get virtually no sleep for at least a year after the kid is born and you have to completely change your life routine (no more last-minute weekend trips for my wife and I).
You also don't see your friends as much and it can feel isolating. This also leads to more stress for you and your partner. Many people divorce/break up during this time because of the this.
I wouldn't change a thing though. I love being a father.
Spoken like someone that has experienced demeaning comments for being a father. One of the more memorable for me was, "is Dad babysitting today?" Parents don't babysit their own kids...
What does a male president has to do with depression? Were UK women immune to depressions during the period of Elizabeth II?
I can see how rigid and restrictive gender role can impact the rate of depressions in a demographic, especially when societal pressure and expectancy has a amplify effect. The existence of a trophy title, generally given only to people who are born very rich, give very poor comfort to the rest of that demographic.
Some of us aren’t political aspirants, we just want our kids, or safety from violent partners, or fair government protections, or to not be discarded when we come back from war broken, dignity without being mocked.
For all the good every male president we’ve ever had has been in those departments.
I love all the "helpless" internet advice in this thread by people who are oblivious to what depression is.
"Oh you're depressed and suffer from making executive decisions. Why don't you just make a decision and fix this?! You know therapists exist right!? Fuck you're so fucking dumb, you piece of shit. Just be happy, it's not that hard!"
The economic reality is both parents are usually working these days. Parenting responsibilities are a lot more shared than they used to be while men identify strongly with how they perform at work. It’s a squeeze.
This is the real problem IMO. I live in a very religiously conservative country with pretty strict gender roles in marriages. Having lived in the West before, I definitely see a lot less dysfunction or mental health issues here, at least from my peers. But there's also a lot of collectivism here - village to raise a child sort of thing and most people live in joint families.
The human being is still adapting to a very new and very foreign reality.
Not sure it is these days; in my youth in the 80s-90s, at least 5 fathers of friends committed suicide (4 by hanging, 1 by gassing himself in his car). Might be more I don't know about.
It should be obvious that having children is going to cause a negative impact, for an extended a duration, on a relationship. I find folks jump into being a parent with rose tinted glasses, not fully grasping what a 20+ year commitment looks like (trying to juggle a career and the economics, a partner, and children in what is essentially perpetuity).
Many, many years into my “commitment” and it’s been the best time of my life. And my partner’s, too. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat, even the tougher times. YMMV, but such is life.
> The Centers for Disease Control stopped gathering complete data on the number of children affected by divorce in 1988, and at that time more than one million children were affected (Cohen 2002). Since then, the incidence of divorce has continued to climb, and according to the 2009 American Community Survey, only 45.8 percent of children reach age 17 years while still living with their biologic parents who were married before or around the time of the child's birth (Fagan and Zill 2011). The majority of divorces affect younger children since 72 percent of divorces occur during the first 14 years of marriage. Because a high percentage of divorced adults remarry, and 40 percent of these remarriages also end in divorce, children may be subjected to multiple family realignments (Cohen 2002).
> 57% of adults under 50 who say they’re unlikely to ever have kids say a major reason is they just don’t want to; 31% of those ages 50 and older without kids cite this as a reason they never had them
> As relationships, living arrangements and family life continue to evolve for American adults, a rising share are not living with a romantic partner. A new Pew Research Center analysis of census data finds that in 2019, roughly four-in-ten adults ages 25 to 54 (38%) were unpartnered – that is, neither married nor living with a partner. This share is up sharply from 29% in 1990. Men are now more likely than women to be unpartnered, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago.
Esp the 20 year commitment if you get separated and if there are children and if you just cant see the other person anymore after years of relationship before the children arrived.
I wonder if this is just because it’s hard, and your expectations will likely be unmet, or if there is another reason? Is there an “evolutionary biology “ reason?
As a parent of 6.9 children, parenting is a huge commitment. But I have lived my entire life since 27 raising children, so to me it’s life as usual. A key factor is making time for your relationship and maintaining intimacy. Intimacy in its many forms is sooo foundational, anyone that ignores or neglects it is likely asking for serious challenges down the road.
I'd love to hear so much more from your experience!
I'm on the fence about this topic and hearing from someone who has had more than 2 might help generalise how having a kid could be.
For me, it feels like one of the few things I've experienced in life on which I won't have much control over after the first decision (of having a kid).
Almost everything else is me deciding every day to do or not do something. This is different.
I have five. It is the most utterly fulfilling aspect of my life. I'm going to (mis)quote John Deloney about this issue:
You know how when you're single and making money hand over fist and you have a lot of money (compared to you as a teen), and it's awesome? And then you first get married, together you're pretty poor but you're having tons of sex, and it's a different kind of awesome? And then you have children, and you're sleep deprived and sex is kind of weird and the baby is pooping on stuff, but you see your own child--and again, it's a different kind of awesome.
The answer is obvious: Because children suck and those parents realize that they have ruined their lives entirely by choice and are now stuck chained to some kid for the next 18 years at least. The more interesting question is why this was not even considered a possible explanation in the article? We all know the reason.
It has been 5 years and while it's getting better, I still regret every single day. I never wanted one since I believe I'm unsuitable to be a parent, yet everyone around me assured me it would be ok. It wasn't. I don't spend more than 10 consecutive minutes of quality time with my wife each day and I have lost all desire to do anything. That doesn't really matter though, because I can't do anything. I feel like my ability to execute has been reduced so much. My kid isn't even bad. I think they are quite good. I am the problem. This makes me feel even worse because my kid loves me and I can't return it.
Sorry to hear this. I urge you to seek some kind of help and support for this, because what you’re describing rings of depression, whatever the root cause (even if it feels obvious).
Really sorry you're going through this. I hope you're finding a few bright moments here and there. 5 was still a difficult, draining age in our house, but it gets easier. You'll find your kid playing more independently soon, maybe even just wanting to do their thing while you do yours, and that'll be a relief. It took me a long time to accept that life is different now, and to not obsess over the differences. Once I did, I suddenly found myself motivated to pick up old hobbies and felt more of a connection to my kiddo. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.
>I believe I'm unsuitable to be a parent, yet everyone around me assured me it would be ok
They might just have said that not to sound alarming, and to close the subject.
You know yourself infinitely better than anyone else does, so if you have even the slightest doubt, you should never rely on others to decide what's best for you.
Be especially wary of people close to you, as proximity increases the belief of knowledge much more easily than actual knowledge.
Reminds me of a Philip Roth quote: "The fact remains that getting people right is not what living is all about anyway. It's getting them wrong that is living, getting them wrong and wrong and wrong and then, on careful reconsideration, getting them wrong again."
Sorry to hear you're going through that. It does sound like having someone to open up and talk to, even someone you pay (i.e. A therapist), could help. This is especially true if many crucial things around you sound to be positive.
All the best and don't forget that it can get better!
By no means an I an expert, but in my experience, engaging with your family and learning to open up to them (even about your feelings of inadequacy) results in a much richer relationship. It’s like listening to a sad song when you’re sad. You may find that they are yearning to be closer to you, even if you don’t think you’re what they need.
Best of luck, friend. :)
There’s a RegretfulParents subreddit if you need to commiserate or vent.
I have two kids and while I was never depressed, I can see how it can happen. You get virtually no sleep for at least a year after the kid is born and you have to completely change your life routine (no more last-minute weekend trips for my wife and I).
You also don't see your friends as much and it can feel isolating. This also leads to more stress for you and your partner. Many people divorce/break up during this time because of the this.
I wouldn't change a thing though. I love being a father.
It’s the no sleep thing compounded with stress of an extra dependent. I love being a father, but that first year in particular was tough.
I imagine that anyone who is treated like a second class citizen based on their gender has a reason to be depressed.
Spoken like someone that has experienced demeaning comments for being a father. One of the more memorable for me was, "is Dad babysitting today?" Parents don't babysit their own kids...
With bravery like this, I hope to one day see a male president.
What does a male president has to do with depression? Were UK women immune to depressions during the period of Elizabeth II?
I can see how rigid and restrictive gender role can impact the rate of depressions in a demographic, especially when societal pressure and expectancy has a amplify effect. The existence of a trophy title, generally given only to people who are born very rich, give very poor comfort to the rest of that demographic.
Some of us aren’t political aspirants, we just want our kids, or safety from violent partners, or fair government protections, or to not be discarded when we come back from war broken, dignity without being mocked.
For all the good every male president we’ve ever had has been in those departments.
Maybe a male Jack the Ripper as well
Justice for men! Then finally alphan0n could come out of the closet as the true alpha he has been this whole time
My name is Alphanso.
This article is about men.
Do you mean it doesn’t happen to men?
[dead]
I love all the "helpless" internet advice in this thread by people who are oblivious to what depression is.
"Oh you're depressed and suffer from making executive decisions. Why don't you just make a decision and fix this?! You know therapists exist right!? Fuck you're so fucking dumb, you piece of shit. Just be happy, it's not that hard!"
The economic reality is both parents are usually working these days. Parenting responsibilities are a lot more shared than they used to be while men identify strongly with how they perform at work. It’s a squeeze.
This is the real problem IMO. I live in a very religiously conservative country with pretty strict gender roles in marriages. Having lived in the West before, I definitely see a lot less dysfunction or mental health issues here, at least from my peers. But there's also a lot of collectivism here - village to raise a child sort of thing and most people live in joint families.
The human being is still adapting to a very new and very foreign reality.
Not sure it is these days; in my youth in the 80s-90s, at least 5 fathers of friends committed suicide (4 by hanging, 1 by gassing himself in his car). Might be more I don't know about.
No sure about the stats / difference.
I am going to guess your group of friends was quite the outlier. Or you considered a ton of people to be your friends.
> Or you considered a ton of people to be your friends.
That's an awful way to write that. You're insinuating that maybe their friends weren't true. How could you know?
I think you are maybe looking for offense. If I say “I consider them a good friend” it doesn’t bring into question the strength of the friendship.
It should be obvious that having children is going to cause a negative impact, for an extended a duration, on a relationship. I find folks jump into being a parent with rose tinted glasses, not fully grasping what a 20+ year commitment looks like (trying to juggle a career and the economics, a partner, and children in what is essentially perpetuity).
https://ericalayne.co/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/kidhappy.gi...
https://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_...
https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/parents-under-pressu...
(parent)
Many, many years into my “commitment” and it’s been the best time of my life. And my partner’s, too. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat, even the tougher times. YMMV, but such is life.
Congrats on winning the lottery, most people do not.
I must say, in my experience of the parents I know and see regularly on a level I would consider very close, we must be a cluster of lottery winners.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/new-gps-intimate-rel...
> ~48% of first marriages fail, ~60% of second marriages, ~70% third marriages.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4240051/
> The Centers for Disease Control stopped gathering complete data on the number of children affected by divorce in 1988, and at that time more than one million children were affected (Cohen 2002). Since then, the incidence of divorce has continued to climb, and according to the 2009 American Community Survey, only 45.8 percent of children reach age 17 years while still living with their biologic parents who were married before or around the time of the child's birth (Fagan and Zill 2011). The majority of divorces affect younger children since 72 percent of divorces occur during the first 14 years of marriage. Because a high percentage of divorced adults remarry, and 40 percent of these remarriages also end in divorce, children may be subjected to multiple family realignments (Cohen 2002).
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/07/25/the-exp...
> 57% of adults under 50 who say they’re unlikely to ever have kids say a major reason is they just don’t want to; 31% of those ages 50 and older without kids cite this as a reason they never had them
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-...
> As relationships, living arrangements and family life continue to evolve for American adults, a rising share are not living with a romantic partner. A new Pew Research Center analysis of census data finds that in 2019, roughly four-in-ten adults ages 25 to 54 (38%) were unpartnered – that is, neither married nor living with a partner. This share is up sharply from 29% in 1990. Men are now more likely than women to be unpartnered, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago.
https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2024/11/family-househ...
> About 39% of U.S. family households this year included the householder’s children under 18, according to new U.S. Census Bureau estimates.
https://www.voronoiapp.com/demographics/Over-Half-of-Househo... (draw your attention to the shrinking yellow “married parent” cohort, 17.9%)
TLDR A majority of US households don’t have kids, and only 18% are households with married parents.
(Aggressively data driven; "May the odds be ever in your favor")
>It should be obvious that having children is going to cause a negative impact, for an extended a duration, on a relationship.
But often a positive impact. I would think more often than not the positive outweighs the negative, but not for everybody.
> 20+ year commitment
I'm 33y into mine and I don't know how long it/me will last.
sad to say: YES, this is absolutely true.
Esp the 20 year commitment if you get separated and if there are children and if you just cant see the other person anymore after years of relationship before the children arrived.
Because being a parent is hard.
I wonder if this is just because it’s hard, and your expectations will likely be unmet, or if there is another reason? Is there an “evolutionary biology “ reason?
As a parent of 6.9 children, parenting is a huge commitment. But I have lived my entire life since 27 raising children, so to me it’s life as usual. A key factor is making time for your relationship and maintaining intimacy. Intimacy in its many forms is sooo foundational, anyone that ignores or neglects it is likely asking for serious challenges down the road.
I'd love to hear so much more from your experience!
I'm on the fence about this topic and hearing from someone who has had more than 2 might help generalise how having a kid could be.
For me, it feels like one of the few things I've experienced in life on which I won't have much control over after the first decision (of having a kid).
Almost everything else is me deciding every day to do or not do something. This is different.
I have five. It is the most utterly fulfilling aspect of my life. I'm going to (mis)quote John Deloney about this issue:
You know how when you're single and making money hand over fist and you have a lot of money (compared to you as a teen), and it's awesome? And then you first get married, together you're pretty poor but you're having tons of sex, and it's a different kind of awesome? And then you have children, and you're sleep deprived and sex is kind of weird and the baby is pooping on stuff, but you see your own child--and again, it's a different kind of awesome.
yes and something I vaguely remember about $5 bills
The answer is obvious: Because children suck and those parents realize that they have ruined their lives entirely by choice and are now stuck chained to some kid for the next 18 years at least. The more interesting question is why this was not even considered a possible explanation in the article? We all know the reason.
When you are in the final stages of life and have nobody to visit you, you will regret this type of thinking.
Post term abortion isnt cheap